After the War
by sing-oldsongs
Summary: There is no after.  Only now.  They have come, slowly, to understand this.  [Sirius, Remus, the first war, in hiding.]  SxR.


_**Summary**__: There is no after. Only now. They have come, slowly, to understand this. [Sirius, Remus, the first war, in hiding. Sirius/Remus._

_**Warnings**__: language, smoking, dysfunction_

_**Other Notes**__: Perhaps a-bit-too-quick editing done to this one, but I decided it was more important to declare it finished today (before canon officially closes) then to try to make it perfect. Just in case I fall out of fandom again like I did after __**HBP**__, which is entirely possible._

_**Disclaimer**__: I do not own Harry Potter or any of its characters, including and especially Sirius and Remus._

**x**

Sirius flips the light switch on and off and on and off again. He still hasn't mastered the idea of electricity. Remus lies on the mattress (it is dingy and stained) (they don't have any sheets), and stares up at the overhead light, as it flickers on and off and on and off again.

He mutters for Sirius to _stop_ but Sirius doesn't hear.

**x**

They used to talk about an after. An after the war.

They used to make plans.

**x**

Sirius is leaning over the balcony edge, dropping cigarette ash onto their downstairs neighbor's plants. The shoulder of his shirt is torn. An easy fix he will not allow Remus to make for him. _My mother paid 50 Galleons for this shirt_, he says. As if this were an explanation.

Remus staggers through the door and into their bathroom, retches uselessly, ignores the mold growing on the claustrophobic walls.

_You push yourself too hard_ Sirius says. _It's too close to the full moon for you to pull shit like this_.

No sympathy in his voice but Remus doesn't expect it anymore.

**x**

There is no after. Only now.

They have come, slowly, to understand this.

**x**

Now the summer drips through the cracks in the wall, slips under the door and through the windows that they push open to the harsh city sounds of the street. Even here, Remus can smell it. Death.

He knows he's going mad, only wishes that Sirius couldn't see it.

_Moony._

Dull voice, dull eyes.

They are lying side by side on the floor.

_Moony._

_What?_

His tongue is thick and dry in his mouth.

_Sometimes I hate you._

At least they are not keeping secrets from each other, Remus thinks, and leans over to pull Sirius close to him. He licks the sweat off his skin.

**x**

_We will always be like this_ Sirius told him once.

But they were in school then. When headlines were only headlines, not carefully worded letters, tied with black ribbons. When war was only another adventure that they hadn't yet experienced.

And Remus twisted his fingers up with Sirius's and lied back to him. _I know._

**x**

_We will always be like this_ Remus tells him now.

Dusky shadows cloud their faces from each other. Sirius is smoking again. His movements have become quick, sharp. There is a sort of selfish tilt to the way he stands. The lines across his face are those of despair, worry, and rage.

_In love?_

Sharp bark of his voice. Remus winces. Dark gray clouds slide across a light gray sky.

_No_.

**x**

Remus is halfway through chapter three when the bulb burns out. Sirius is surprised.

He had been sitting cross-legged on the opposite corner of the bed, reading the letter again.

When Remus turns the page, it falls out. Fifth one in a row. He sets the book aside.

_My brother is dead_, Sirius says.

Neither speaks for the rest of the day.

**x**

Dull rain beyond the windows, splattering the glass. Dreams of gray fur and white moonlight, grim laughter sticking to his skin—interrupted by a low and far off crash of thunder.

Remus stumbles from bed.

Sirius is outside, trying to drown.

**x**

_Tell me something about you even I don't know._

This, a whisper in his ear.

_Padfoot._

It is enough to say his name, meaning: _don't do this._

He had been staring at himself in the mirror, testing the pain of his new scars.

Sirius, behind him, wraps his arms around Remus's stomach and bends down to rest his chin on Remus's shoulder.

Remus closes his eyes before he answers.

_Sometimes I can't wait for my own death._

**x**

They are twenty-two years old.

On their loneliest nights, they still fall asleep in each other's arms.

**x**

_And also_, Remus adds.

_Sometimes I wish I could hate you like you hate me._

But Sirius doesn't hear, because he has left, and the door has closed behind him.

**x**

end


End file.
